I have recieved mail requesting that I discuss many different subjects. Out of all the mail that I have recieved, I believe this is THE most important and crucial subject thus far. The letter that really made Me want to address this immediately was from a bottom/sub that will remain nameless for now. The letter stated more or less that this particular girl and her Top/Dom were not clear on exactly how negotiations worked, what to talk about, how in depth to go, etc. Therefore they're just winging it! They're figuring it out as they go! What's wrong with this picture? What part of this is safe or sane? The first thing to address here is the reason for negotiations. Why do many of U/us perform negotiations in the first place? My kink is not Y/your kink, right? Perhaps My wild turn-on involving tying up a girl and throwing her in a closet might send My perspective bottom into a nightmarish flashback of when her abusive stepfather locked her in closets when she was a little girl. How do I know that tying her up and throwing her in a closet would a real mood killer? How about, oh I don't know . . . negotiations? The next thing to address is just plain old fashioned communication. How do all relationships work? Communication is the figurative KY in O/our relationships that keeps the friction down. That was how it was for O/our grandparents and their grandparents, and that is how it has always been. How else am I supposed to know that My perspective bottom's long time fantasy is to be the subject of a fantasy rape? I'm supposed to read her mind and instantly know this while I'm trying to talk her into playing fire and ice, right? Here's another reason for negotiations. How about "trust"? Is that a good reason? We as Tops and Doms want Our bottoms and subs to trust Us enough to do all sorts of things to them that might otherwise jeopardize their safety and well being. Heck, that's part of the kick of the whole thing, isn't it? It's a really cool feeling when someone trusts Us enough to put their lives in Our hands! How can they trust Us if We don't know how to keep from breaking that trust? Who wants to scene on egg shells, afraid that the next move might be what sets off a total 180? Here's how negotiations work in a nutshell, sit down and talk about turn-ons and turn-offs before engaging in play. That's about it. If Y/you want to know how I perform negotiations, here it is. I meet the perspective bottom/sub/slave. We spend at least a day getting to know each other a bit. We spend at least another day going over a negotiation form. The perspective bottom/sub/slave fills it out, I read it with the perspective bottom/sub/slave several times. I spend the next 2 days studying the negotiation form and periodically asking specifics. After that I will play with her and not before then. Maybe I go too in-depth, perhaps. However, I can say this, My slave trusts Me entirely with her life. I would rather error on the side of caution.

Everyone has heard at least one horror story. Someone got burned, someone got electrocuted, someone got killed; those stories have been around forever. For those who have common sense, this little safety lecture is just a review of what you already know. But for the rest of you, whether your ignorance comes from simply being new to the scene or because you just simply didn't think of it, I suggest that you bookmark this one for future reference. This may well be fodder for future installments of specific activities, so be patient. KNOW YOUR PARTNER'S LIMITS I'm addressing this to both Dom/me and sub. EVERYONE has limits, and you should well know them. USE YOUR BRAIN! Yes, I know that this is all for fun, but using your head a bit will prevent problems later. "An ounce of prevention is worth an ounce of cure" is a very relevant statement here. Think about the scene before you play it, and take necessary measures to ensure safety for all participants. HAVE THE RIGHT EQUIPMENT Time and again, accidents happen because someone was using the wrong tool(s) for the job. Folks, I realize fishing line is supurbly strong, but do NOT suspend anyone with it. If you need to ask why, then it is probably best that you not bother with this lifestyle and instead head over to your local Bass Pro. LISTEN Tops, this one is mostly for You. Have both a verbal and non-verbal means of communicating a safeword. Many subs love to moan and cry and whimer and scream during play, but your safeword(s) should be completely unique or something everyone around you knows, such as RED. In the event that your lovely is all tied up and gagged, make sure he or she can indicate non-verbally a safeword. For example, I have two ways of allowing a non-verbal red: If the boy has nothing in his hands, or if his hands are bound, he is to "tap out" by either slapping the furniture twice for yellow and thrice for red, or I have a cowbell which he is to drop for a red. ALWAYS be able to hear your sub, even if it means not playing somewhere that's too loud due to conversation or music or both. PAY ATTENTION This is along the same lines as listening, however, this includes knowing your surroundings. Know where you are, where doors are, who is present and where they are. Pay attention to what you're doing as well as to what others are doing. You can control your actions; you can't control everyone else's. DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME This should be a no-brainer, but it bears repeating. Homestyle BDSM is great fun, but if you're trying something new, then do it with someone else around. This will help you to not only focus more on the activity but to learn from the other person if that person is experienced in what you're doing. Having an extra, (or two), allows for you to not have to focus on many outside distractions, as the extra(s) will be watching for you. Don't ever discount a good extra. FIRST AID EVERY top should have a good knowledge of basic first aid treatment. It's also a good idea to be certified in CPR. Accidents do happen, and if you're not able to deal with them, accidents can escalate swiftly into emergencies. KEEP A PHONE NEARBY. Keep it in arm's reach while you play in case you need to call for help. If the submissive is to be left alone, (usually not a good idea in the first place), then he or she needs to be able to reach the phone if necessary. KEEP A FIRST AID KIT HANDY. Make sure it's completely stocked and in the same room, (in arm's reach for extreme play sessions such as blades or needles). Make sure this kit also contains Pedialyte or Gatorade, Pedialyte preferred as the electrolytes absorb more quickly.

BDSM, in literal terms, is an acronym which usually stands for something along the lines of, "Bondage, Domination, Sado-Masochism." I've heard a few differences, but this seems to be the most readily accepted. But for the millions of people who love the darker side of life, BDSM is a lifestyle. Just like any other lifestyle, it is a niche where we have found comfort and enjoyment just being ourselves. Does this mean that we're all a bunch of perverts? Well yes, it does. But consider this: we're all perverts, whether or not we're into BDSM. You're a pervert, I'm a pervert, we're all perverts. How can that be? Well, what's your definition of pervert? It's probably different from Mine, just as Mine is going to be at least a little bit different than someone else's. Since no one has the same definition, we're all perverts. BDSM isn't just a sexual thing, though many times our sex lives are greatly enhanced by our lifestyle. BDSM, when seen as a lifestyle, isn't just about bumping uglies. It's about living the way we want to live, despite the rigors of society's acceptance or disapproval. It's about being who we are, just like any other culture or lifestyle. Some people are natural submissives, feeling happy and free when bound by the whim and will of a naturally Dominant person. That's their comfort zone; that's their particular lifestyle. Some of Us are naturally Dominant and enjoy "owning" and training submissives. Still others aren't really submissive or dominant, but like to play on both sides. And yet others don't really care one way or another, but have their own delightful fetishes that get their gears turning. It's all about being what you want to be. It's turning your fantasy into your reality by giving up the fear of society's disapproval. It's about being you, no matter how kinky or freaky you really are inside. Now what's the difference between a Dominant and a top? They are not mutually exclusive, however they are terms that are seen as describing the same thing, (most often, erroneously). A top hearkens to someone who likes to give pain or pleasure in BDSM scene play. Most Dominants are indeed tops, however not all tops are Dominants. Confused yet? Try this: a Dominant is Someone who is naturally in control and who enjoys being such. He or She takes control not only of a situation but most often controls a submissive as well. A submissive gets great pleasure from serving and being controlled. He or she may be a bottom, (one who enjoys being topped), which may mean that he or she is a masochist, (one who enjoys receiving pain).